Is it OK to Sleep with your Students?

What's the Attraction?

When I first started aikido we used to go out after class and stay out pretty late. A client, hearing about this, said, "Oh, aikido? You have to watch out for those aikido people..." He said where he was from (San Francisco), aikido instructors were notorious for having affairs with their students. I started wondering: why would aikido teachers have this special reputation?

Any teacher is in danger of "falling into" sexual relationships with students of the opposite sex*: students look up to teachers, teachers enjoy the adulation, and so it goes. But I think there's a reason why aikido has a "reputation."

First: aikido is so cool! When you're start taking aikido you realize you're developing a kind of power you never imagined. It's awe-inspiring. And there's your teacher, who has that power. It's really easy to confuse that great feeling with a sexual attraction.

Second: most of the teachers are men, and so are most of the students. So, many aikido teachers aren't used to having sexually attractive students. When a male teacher does have a female student who's attracted/attractive, he's likely to be blindsided: if you're not really prepared for what happens when you introduce sexual attraction into the student/teacher relationship you can find yourself behaving differently without even realizing it. On the other hand, a hypothetical female teacher who's mostly-male students are pretty much always getting crushes is likely to be a little more immune.

So What? Why Shouldn't I Sleep With Students?

Some instructors have said: "As long as we're both consenting adults, if we choose to date or sleep with people who are our students, why not?"

• As an instructor I would rather my students understand that the great feeling they get when practicing aikido doesn't come from me, but from the practice of aikido. That's better for me and for them.
• Aikido involves a lot of close contact. I want all of my students, male and female, to know for certain that when we have close contact on the mat, there is nothing but aikido behind it. As one female friend says, "When it feels creepy, it is creepy." Aikido shouldn't feel creepy.
• Some students come to self-defense classes because they have had a bad experience - maybe they were even sexually assaulted. As a teacher I don't want to know or guess which students they are. Sometimes those people are confused about appropriate boundaries (i.e. when to say "no." or "enough.") They're asking you to be part of the solution. Do you really want to become part of the problem instead?
• If you date someone who's your student and then you break up, you've just lost a student. If that student had any friends on the mat, you'll probably lose them, too.
• I've seen the negative effect on the rest of the dojo when one of the instructors is sleeping with a student. Even if the instructor doesn't show that student special consideration, everyone believes he's doing so. Typically the instructor is blind to this. Do you want to cause negative feelings in your dojo? Do you want to be blind to what's going on among your students?
• I've known instructors who thought they had found Ms. Right. And then they broke up, and thought they found Ms. Right again. The teacher thought he was acting sincerely, but the other students felt he was using the mat as a trolling ground and it made them uncomfortable.
• In my style (Kokikai Aikido), most of the places we practice are YMCAs or college recreation departments that have strict sexual harassment policies. Instructors can get into very serious legal situations when a relationship with a student goes sour, or even if there wasn't a relationship but something was implied. If this happens, even if you're not guilty as charged, it can be impossible to prove who did what to who. The school or the Y is unlikely to provide your legal defense. Better to stay clean as a whistle.

We Were Made For Each Other!

Having said all this, I know some strong, long-lasting couples that started as aikido student/teacher romances. But the odds were not in favor of those couples. One of my teachers advised: If you think you've really found Mr. or Ms. Right, prove it: get out of the student/teacher relationship. Maybe the student can practice elsewhere, or practice on a different night, under a different teacher, or even suspend aikido practice, until you're sure the relationship is solid. This way you can avoid confusion about what's causing the attraction.

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*I apologize for writing with the assumption that the teacher is male and the student is female and that the attraction is heterosexual. It's true of most of the situations I've come across, but these issues are not limited to male teachers/female students or to heterosexual relationships.