Listening

Speakers Corner, London               Photo: M'bert

"The world is my world, and everything in the world is about me."

It's easy to be annoyed by someone who's totally self-centered (drivers, people in the grocery store, people at parties), but in reality all of us are like this. Joko Beck talked about our typical state as being at the center of our own drama. "The world is a stage and I am the main actor." You go out to dinner with someone and all they do is talk about themselves. And why are you upset? Because you didn't get to talk about yourself!

Imagine a world in which everyone is on stage, disclaiming about themselves, and nobody's in the audience. Now imagine a world in which everyone is listening to each other, and there's no stage at all. Which world would you rather live in? So how can we create that world? Obviously, we can most effectively start with ourselves.

What might be the rewards? The goal of creating a better world may seem a little far off and not very gratifying. But, if you can accomplish it, it feels surprisingly good to truly listen to another person, without (if possible) adding judgment, comparison, or advice. And people like you a lot when you listen to them! We'd all like to think we're fascinating in conversation, but if you think about your own experience, who do you enjoy being with more: people who monopolize the conversation (however engagingly witty) or people who really listen and become engaged in what you are saying?

I once complained about my difficulty in caring about other peoples' stories and concerns, and a wise friend told me that when I was more comfortable with myself I'd be able to pay more attention to others. I have found his words to be true, but "becoming comfortable with yourself" is kind of a lifelong process - I'm not sure I want to wait that long. The good news is that you can learn to listen to others, and the process may actually help you become more happy, content, and, yes, comfortable with yourself.

I play a little game to help me get better at true listening: If I go to an event where I will have conversations with a lot of people, I try to see how many encounters I can have in which the person found out nothing, or very little, about me! That means I have to hold back my knee-jerk interjections:

"Oh, yes, I did that, too!"
or "Your child takes soccer? So does mine!...."

If someone asks me a question, like "How was your vacation?" instead of launching into a long, detailed story, I answer briefly and don't continue unless I get a follow-up question. When the other person is talking, I try to give him or her my whole attention, including watching their face and body. I often find out a lot about how people feel by doing this. If I find my attention wanders or the conversation is drying up I try to think of a question that might cause them to open up more, or that would help me learn more about them.

I also listen to and take note of my own thoughts, which, I have to admit, are not always thoughts I'm proud of  ("This is boring," "I'd rather talk about myself," or worse). I try to keep from judging myself for having these thoughts - after all, everyone wants to talk about themselves, and I'm practicing something that's pretty hard.

Now and then I encounter people who seem to be playing my game, too!  If someone actually seems interested in what I have to say, it's even harder to stay sharp and not start talking about myself at length.  But people who usually listen to others are often very gratified by being invited to speak.

This practice started out as a game for me, but after years of doing it (with more or less success) I would never give it up. Having an interaction with someone in which one of you actually listened is more satisfying than talking about yourself when the other person is just waiting for their turn to talk. Nobody's that interested in hearing about me. And now they don't have to (usually), unless they really, really want to (and maybe not even then). I'm much happier for it, which means, guess what? I'm more comfortable with myself. A perfect win-win.

I'm sorry for talking so much about myself, I'll try to listen to you next time!