Kotsu Kotsu

I often feel some conflict when it comes to my ego. Being a musician and practicing aikido both highlight this tension for me. On the one hand, I understand that humility is good. It's important to recognize the talents and achievements of others. In my study of Buddhist teachings I've even heard that there's something called "no-self"  that I'm supposed to be aiming for, where I realize the interconnectedness of all things and lose my ego. On the other hand, to stand in front of a room full of people and play music, or to teach them self defense, I need a really strong sense of confidence about my ability and who I am. Of course the martial arts has a strong tradition of respecting and acknowledging those who are more experienced. Even though I have been practicing Kokikai Aikido  for more than 20 years, there are many current teachers in Kokikai who had been practicing for 10, 20 or more years when I started.  And of course our founder, Shuji Maruyam...

Some Kokikai dojo display photos of previous Kokikai Winter and Summer Camps . Each shows 200 or so people lined up in some configuration around Sensei . When we see them, each of us does the same thing: "Here's me!" Those 30 or 40 pixels that form the shape of my head are so important to me! Meanwhile, Sensei's focus is on arranging all those forms to make a beautiful image: straight lines, clean edges, hands folded. Sometimes, to put my ego in the back seat for a while, I imagine myself as a blotch of paint in Sensei's pointillist canvas. Then Gil Fronsdal says "Each of you has within you a tremendous beauty. and if you only knew how beautiful you are, you would fall on your knees and bow to yourself." Am I important? Or are I insignificant? Am I one pixel on the great canvas? Or am I worthy of worship? I puzzle on this as I drive to work. Then I see a heron winging across the highway, its wings flapping in lazy beats, and I am transport...